Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are