MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.