Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy