[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”