my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
You Might Also Like
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”