Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
found this cool rock hiking today
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.