Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]