Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.