It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.