[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I wanna be friends with this person
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”