What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
You Might Also Like
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
mmm onion ringos
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
He’s dead