It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.