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Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My five year plan is a meteorite
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
God has abandoned us.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My biological clock is wheezing.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.