I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Passed by a old school Math example today.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this