How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
This meal prepping shit easy
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My Guy
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.