He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Twitter is an abusement park.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”