[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar