The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*