Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.