First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Where’s my employee discount too?
you stereotypes are all alike
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Ovenable?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.