It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
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I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.