If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Seek kebab; not attention
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
i love meeting boys on tinder
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Many hands make light work
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel