My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
😂🤣😂🤣
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?