“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…