Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
You Might Also Like
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The two types of wives
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
The news in a nutshell.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.