My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
When you kidnap a writer.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*