I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
X-tra spooky blend
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Fight
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.