I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes