Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
You Might Also Like
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*