ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
You Might Also Like
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon