I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!