Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”