“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.