The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If only
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.