It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I laughed at this way too hard.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Lmao 🤣
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.