I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.