Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year