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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.