Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?