Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.