I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.