wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
You Might Also Like
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I think about this a lot
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.