When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
beware of dog
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?