I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?