You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.