A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
can’t catch a break
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.