Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Uh oh…
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows