“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes