Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Breaking news:
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured