Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now